I did not get to write anything yesterday. Well, I was lazy and chose not to write anything. Yesterday was uneventful. I stayed home all day, stayed in bed most of the day, didn’t shower until 3 in the afternoon, and only went out to get Gelato with my mom and sisters after dinner. Which was a nice change. But honestly, other than that, I don’t remember doing much.
I think I need to stay away from boys… find something else to entertain me so that I don’t annoy the crap out of them. Devin says that I probably won’t get to see him until next week. That will be three weeks without seeing him. And I’m lucky if I get to talk to him once a day. I’m just starting to not be interested anymore. With Daniel… I think I’m just annoying him. We had that amazing talk the other night, but then yesterday he was at work all day and I think I just bothered him, because he didn’t want to talk at all last night. And he’s ignoring me today. But he’s probably just at work. But Idk. I just need to leave them alone. Let them message me first. That will be my goal today. To not text them until they text me. Ugh. I’m just rambling and none of this is straight intellectual thought, it’s nonsense. Bye.
Today was pretty uneventful. The only “exciting” things that happened were my low blood sugar in the middle of the night and my low blood sugar in the middle of the day. Since my doctor’s appointment is coming up I have actually been checking my blood sugar. There is a big difference in how I feel, although I do not necessarily feel better. I feel worse. This is probably because I am physically so used to not checking my blood sugars and not giving insulin that my body is just comfortable with being high all the time. Which is not good whatsoever. I really should be using my dexcom, but I haven’t been. I will honestly probably just take it to my doctor’s appointment and they can show me how to properly use it. I’m sure that if I actually used it and took proper care of myself that I wouldn’t feel like shit all the time. You could say that I am just lazy, because that is true. I am. But I am also just so tired of dealing with this disease that I have. It is a hassle. Yet, I am stuck with it for the rest of my life. Unless, researchers and scientists some how find a cure within my life time. Who knows.
Anyway, on a different note. I found out that I got a 98.34% on my Business midterm and that my grade is now up to a B+. Which is honestly such a relief. I was so worried when I got that D- a few weeks ago. I put the blame on the baby being so colicky that night, but I know full well that it is my fault that I didn’t get it done. I should have done it earlier in the week. I had the time to do it, but nope! I figured, “I’ll just do it while Johnny is asleep! It will be fine!” … Johnny did not sleep. But no matter, my D- is now a B+ and that is all that matters! I might even be able to pull an A- out of it. That would be great. Need to keep that GPA up. For scholarships and grad school.
At work today, I did an assignment and then applied for babysitter/nanny positions on care.com. Maybe I will get a sweet gig? I just need another paying job.. That is stable! I am really hoping for the job at Lifetime, because that would be consistent and probably an easy job. Plus, it would be with kids and I love working with kids. I mean, I should. especially if I plan on being a therapist that works with youth everyday.
I need to be honest with myself. I don’t know what to do about this whole Devin situation. I mean, I like him… but I want more attention from him. I understand that he is an EMT and that they have crazy hours, and I understand that he needs to focus on school and his family, and that he has things to pay for like his truck’s brakes. Heck. Those things are really important. I should be focusing more on school and work and my family. But I am just so bored right now. I am ahead in my summer classes, I am not really working since I am not babysitting. My parents work and I mean, my sisters are home but they tend to just watch TV all day. I just wish I could see him more. I know that is selfish, but I just wish I could see him. Another thing I need to be honest with myself about is Daniel. I don’t think I actually like him, but I like the concept of maybe dating him. I feel like I would get more attention from him and have the kind of relationship I want. But he doesn’t like me, heck he hasn’t even really talked to me until now, so I don’t know. I’m playing with fire by wanting to hang out with him. It would not be fair to Devin, and it definitely would not be fair to Daniel either. I honestly just probably need to focus on myself and figure out my own needs before I focus on boys. I could just need some new friends to hang out with and talk to. Catalina seems busy lately, and I feel like she might be mad at me, but she says that she isn’t. I don’t know… I am bored and want companionship.
It’s time to go home now… I’m off in four minutes.
Today has been a stressful day. I found out that with Nevada State you have to pay the full tuition amount before scholarships will be accounted for. This means that I have to pay about $3k this upcoming August for the fall semester, and once I have paid this large sum, I will then be reimbursed the money that the scholarship covers. How am I even going to come up with the $3,000 to pay for my classes, to ensure that I stay enrolled in these classes?
Along with finding out that I have to pay this large lump sum in only a few months, I have also been stressing with the fact that I have to now make monthly car payments of $280. Now don’t get me wrong, I was able to pay this when I purchased my new car. But I was also making about $800 a month from babysitting alone. I am no longer babysitting… I found out last week that the man who was hiring me to watch his kids got his hours cut. Which means my hours got cut. He only needs a babysitter two days a week now, from 8am-5:30pm. This would not be an issue if didn’t have work at the computer lab at 4pm. Thus, the only way that this could even possibly work is if he has his father-in-law come watch the kids right after he is done with work so that I can leave at 3:30pm to go to work. However, it is a 45 minute commute from where they are located to where the computer lab is located… It is cutting it way too close. Until they are able to make sure that his father-in-law even can come take care of the kids, I am not babysitting. And I do not get a trial run until June 21st… I don’t even know if that will work out. But because of this whole fiasco… I am not making money. At all. How am I supposed to pay my car payment? My insurance? My phone bill? School? I mean I think that school will eventually work out because the scholarships cover most of the cost, but I have to put all of the money down at once. Eventually I will get the money back. Never the less, it is still a big stressor.
Anyway… due to all of this stress, I applied to a couple jobs today. A few were at Lifetime Fitness, two of the jobs were at the Henderson location and one was at the Summerlin location. Honestly, either location would work for me. Another job I applied for was at LVAC, and then the last job I applied for was an Internship for some broadcast. I think it is a radio channel? I’m not even sure. But I applied for it anyway. I also reset my password and updated my information on Care.com. Maybe I can get some more babysitting gigs that way?
But hey, at least it got me to update my resume. Lol.
I just finished listening to this podcast by NPR’s Invisibilia, “The Secret History of Thoughts”. My cousin Tim had shown me Invisibilia’s podcast channel because of the psychology aspect of it and I thought “why not?” So I listened to their first episode, which was aired on January 8, 2015. Honestly, it was a very intriguing, but very disturbing episode. The question the hosts asked was “Are my thoughts related to my inner wishes, do they reveal who I really am?” and they revealed how the answer can have profound consequences for your life. They tell the story about two men: the first is a man who is troubled with impounding violent thoughts and who visits several psychologists to figure out why he is having these thoughts, and the second is about a man who was trapped inside his mind for thirteen years. Listening to these stories amazed me, and I am still in awe.
In the first story, the hosts brought up the three phases of thought. The first is Freud’s theory on thought, how every thought that we have is integrated with a part of who we are. The second phase is the emergence of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy created by Aaron Beck. And the last phase was Mindfulness therapy. I am not as familiar with the last one as I am with the first two, but this form of therapy seemed to really help this man. From what I understand and remember about the information that was presented for mindfulness, mindfulness therapy is to realize that those thoughts are not important. The last psychologist that the man went to used this type of therapy, and was able to get him to face his fears and realize that his violent thoughts were not true; that even though he had them, he did not act upon them.
After learning about this, it makes me wonder if this form of therapy would have helped me my senior year when I had such extreme anxiety-filled thoughts. Could I have been able to deal with those thoughts in a better manner? Would this have been able to save my relationship with Jake? If I had simply faced my fears, would I have realized that they were in fact not true even though my thoughts declared that they were? It just makes me wonder what would have been different, and if I would have come out a different person. When I think about it, I realize that I am scared of my anxiety. I am scared of the feeling I get when I have that intense anxiety. My immediate reaction is to always take my medication when I get that unnerving feeling. What if I faced my anxiety head on? It would take a lot of mind-altering to be able to wrap my head around the idea, but it could be possible.
Maybe I will look into this form of therapy in greater detail as my schooling continues, you never know, I might use it in my own practice one day.
My name is Anna Lytle, and this is my first “real blog”. I have previously had a tumblr and have used social media to express my thoughts and ideas, however, I have found that really isn’t for me. This is honestly going to basically be a public journal where I write whatever the hell I want. So let me just say, I am not going to be writing to please readers, I am going to write for myself. Thus, you are welcome to stay and read about my life, but if you have a problem with what I have to stay, you are welcome to leave my site. Now that this has been said, I guess I should say something about myself.
Like I have said in my “about” page, I am a 20 year old girl going to school at Nevada State College to finish my BA in psychology. My interest in psychology started in my early years of high school. High school was very hard for me, and at the time I was dealing with a lot of personal issues, mostly physical, emotional, and mental. (Please note that I am going to be very open on my blog). In my freshman year of high school, I went through a suicide protocol with my counselor. I was very suicidal, had cuts and scars all over my arms, and had realized that I needed help. Needless to say, I ended up in counseling and under 24 hour surveillance by my parents. I missed school for a few days, but oh well. I needed the break. I stayed in therapy for a year, and then decided that I was done. I was okay mentally for a while after this, but I was dealing with my physical issues as well. I am a Type 1 Diabetic and was diagnosed October 2012. Diabetes has definitely impacted my emotional and mental health. In my senior year of high school, my mental state deteriorated and I was hospitalized for suicide. I missed a lot of school because of this, and I almost didn’t graduate. Luckily, with the love and support of my parents (whom of which I actually had major issues with growing up, but that is for another post), I was able to graduate with an advanced diploma. With the events of my freshman year, came my interest in the field of psychology. I wanted to learn about what made it possible for individuals to feel so depressed and how I could help them. All of my junior year I was set on attending UNR (University of Nevada, Reno) and majoring in psychology. However, with being hospitalized senior year, my thoughts and priorities changed. I ended up getting my Associate of Arts in Psychology at CSN (College of Southern Nevada) in only a year and a half, and then transferred to Nevada State to finish my BA. Speaking of which, I am actually going to be graduating with said degree this next Spring 2018! I am so excited. There will for sure be discussion of my adventures with applying to Graduate School and for Graduation this upcoming year.
Anyway… I have kind of just been rambling on about who I am, but at least you guys now have an idea of where I will be coming from and who I have become.